There are two types of people in this world (maybe four): people who like to dance and people who hate it desperately. I don’t understand people who like to dance. All that arm and leg flailing, all that moving around. Not to mention those people watching you while you flail and move; the people judging you, thinking, “that guy looks ridiculous” or maybe “that guy looks like he has neuromuscular disorder.” Can you guess which type of person I am?I admire people who can dance skillfully.
I understand why Gene Kelly would allow himself to be filmed dancing. But the average Joe (I say Joe because I think women seem to innately understand, enjoy and are able to dance without appearing like they have ataxia induced by a brain parasite) dancing escapes my comprehension. But that's just me.
The most mind boggling dances, though, are those big choreographed group dances. You know, like you're at a wedding and some song comes on and suddenly it's like the "I've Got a Lot Living to Do" scene in Bye Bye Birdie (excuse me for watching a lot of TCM. Also, Anne Margaret in that movie… geez. Where was I?) You know the songs: "Electric Slide," "The Hustle," "YMCA," and the song with the guy telling you to "take a walk" and "cha cha" (through laborious research I have discovered its actually called "the cha-cha slide". Also, look at all of those bloody things!) I don't know how people know all the moves. Where do they learn. Even the friggin' "YMCA" is more than just the stupid letters (also, how a song that appears to be anonymous homosexual liaisons at a gym became popular for weddings, parties and the most annoying mid-inning groundskeeping in baseball, I will literally never know). My point is: these group dances are intimidating because it's more than just a dance, it's the same exact dance that everyone is doing. Not only do you have to a) dance, b) dance with lots people able to see you, you also c) have to do it just like everyone else or you stand out and look like a real maroon*.
* Last year there was a flash mob (ugh) video that went viral where a group started a big dance routine at a library (Monsters. Libraries should be cloistered. Making noise in a library should be a capital crime. Am I coming off as too curmudgeonly here? Oh also, they used the worst song in human history. Double monsters.). One of the library worker who, according to Reddit, is a mentally challenged but extremely friendly guy joined in and did his best to follow the rehearsed choreography of the dancers. This guy clearly is in that group of people who love to dance. He looks like he's having a blast. I'd have been crying in the corner. He's also the only person that I don't despise in that dance.)
So every now and again a song comes along and suggests there is a new dance craze that will be sweeping the nation. Often it implores you to join in (you'll hear an awful lot of "Do the..." lyrics). The songs often suggest what the moves are, but no where near as explicitly as necessary for someone to be able to just go along (what the heck does "take a walk" mean "Cha-Cha Slide"???) These are the stuff of nightmares as far as I'm concerned. I fear a day when I go to a wedding and every dance is a group dance and I'll start standing out by not joining in (realistically, this is happening already. If you ever need someone at wedding to keep your cousin with a broken leg or your great grandma company... don't ask me. I'll be complaining about the DJ, probably. They always want to be the star of the reception). This article is going to review just a few of these. This seriously was just the intro. I'm not just curmudgeonly, but I’m also wordy.
"The Locomotion"
In 1987, Kylie Minogue asked that we all "do the locomotion." Now I grew up with a lot oldies playing around me, so I was aware, even in '87, of Little Eva's original. But it wasn't until Minogue's version got regular airplay that it occurred to me that there was something you were supposed to do. The dance, as described in the lyrics, involves swinging your hips, jumping back, making a chain, and doing a chugga-chugga motion. Apparently that's as easy as your A-B-Cs. I beg to differ, song lyrics. My main question is do they actually do the Locomotion in the video? It’s not clear to me. If the dancing in the video broke out at a wedding, I’d be lost, no doubt.
“Do the Urkel”
Picture yourself as a teen at a teen party on a rooftop in teen Chicago in the early 90s (the nineTEEN nineties! Heyo!) Now imagine the least popular kid at your school, who dresses like someone’s grandpa, is obsessed with polka music, and has the most destructive behavior (I am pretty sure you are aware of whether or not you actually did you do that, Steve), shows up and then commands all to do his eponymous dance. Now weep in terror as I show you this world via the wonders of the nostalgia-obsessed interlines.
If your brain didn't implode from that or you're wise enough to not actually watch, the lyrical instructions are actually very clear on how to actually do the Urkel, as they basic ask you to do a Steve Urkel impression. The only part missing is the part where you might want to jump out a window to escape the encroaching darkness within your immortal soul.
Incidentally, this episode is a neat (as in “tidy”, not as in “cool”) example of how sitcoms evolve, as Waldo (that's Waldo Geraldo Faldo as we learn in later seasons) is just a henchmen for Willie Fuffner, the school bully, simply the Bob the Goon to Willie's Joker or the Otis to Willie's Mr. Loo-thor (for eff's sake, Ned Beatty). He had no sign of becoming the profoundly stupid character he was in later seasons. That's “profoundly stupid” as in both intelligence as well of narrative quality and utility.
“Do the Bartman”
Back in 1990, Bartmania was sweeping the nation. I know, I was there. In September of 1990, the world received from upon high The Simpsons Sing the Blues. I had this tape, and I played holy bajeezum out of it. The album itself is bizarre in concept, as it includes the Simpsons performing songs in blues, hip hop, as well as a cover of Billie Holiday's "God Bless the Child" and the absolutely inspired Peter Gabriel synth-funk track sung by Mr. Burns and Smithers called "Look at All Those Idiots". But the song "Do the Bartman" was lead single and had an awesome video (which aired in December 1990 with the episode "Bart the Daredevil")
"Do the Bartman" gives you few clues as to how to actually do the dance; mainly you’re told to move your body side to side in a “rock like motion”. All of Springfield starts dancing what I assume is the Bartman later in the video, and it is more than moving side to side (the guys at 2:55 in that video are demonstrating it.) I like to imagine it's not dissimilar to "the funky grandpa."
Also, that video--- holy off-model, amirite? It would be a couple years before the Simpsons would eliminate the animation houses that did off-model work entirely, but since they've been on the air for a few dozen years, it's easy to forget that crappy animation used to be routine. Also, from an artistic stand point, this had to be the most ambitious directing the show tried. This was produced while the show was in season two, when the show was getting its sealegs in story and art. It was years before they really went for like six celebrity cameos and instant dating via massive referential jokes*.
* Matthew Zoller Seitz at Salon wrote an interesting article in 2011 about what he called “footnote humor” where he posited that shows like The Simpsons and Community are limiting their lifespans by relying so heavily on references (Like Toby said on West Wing, “when you use pop-culture references, your speech has a shelf-life of 12 minutes.” Oh crap, I made a reference.) Seitz points to a few specific Simpsons jokes as exmaples, but I have my own: I was 12 when this joke was used in season six’s “Fear of Flying”. I remember seeing the Cheers cameos advertised on FOX and I was excited. A modern 12 year old would be lost. I actually have an argument about referential comedy that more or less agrees with Seitz, but I think he’s slightly off on the specifics. Maybe I’ll write it about here and more than six people will read it. LOL, I’m hilarious. No one will read it.
As a side note, the song was co-written by Michael Jackson (boy does it sound like late 80s/early 90s Michael Jackson.) The Simpsons team actually had to keep that fact quiet because Jackson was a Columbia artist and the Simpsons were Geffen artists (just like Guns n Roses).
“Do the Sprain”
In the pilot episode of Saved by the Bell, “Dancing to the Max,” there’s a big dance contest at the Max (talk about dated pop-culture references… “to the max” no longer is a phrase. An innocent bystander might think that the title is a typo) hosted by Casey Kasem. Lisa sprains an ankle, is forced to dance with Screech with some nonsense dance where she’s hobbled. Naturally they win and then Casey Kasem commands all to “Do the [pregnant pause] sprain!” If I’m being entirely honest, AND I ALWAYS AM, this doesn’t actually fit with the theme of this. It does, however, give me a chance to embed the following clip for all to enjoy. Call it my apology for the Urkel video.
You may bask in its glory forever.
“Do the Mario”
This is potentially a dance I can do as well as the originator. Though we can’t entirely rule out that Captian Lou Albano (the, ahem, actor who portrayed Mario in the live action segments on the Super Mario Bros Super Show!) may have just been experiencing CTE from wrestling.
I must give credit to whomever wrote this piece of genius (I assume it’s Captian Lou himself. He certainly has the chops to sing the heck out of that thing.) Doing the Mario is easy, because Mario tells you what to do EXPLICITLY and Captain Lou shows you. Also, it appears that Mario is more or less power walking.
I think I would ok “Do the Mario” for my wedding playlist.
I understand why Gene Kelly would allow himself to be filmed dancing. But the average Joe (I say Joe because I think women seem to innately understand, enjoy and are able to dance without appearing like they have ataxia induced by a brain parasite) dancing escapes my comprehension. But that's just me.
The most mind boggling dances, though, are those big choreographed group dances. You know, like you're at a wedding and some song comes on and suddenly it's like the "I've Got a Lot Living to Do" scene in Bye Bye Birdie (excuse me for watching a lot of TCM. Also, Anne Margaret in that movie… geez. Where was I?) You know the songs: "Electric Slide," "The Hustle," "YMCA," and the song with the guy telling you to "take a walk" and "cha cha" (through laborious research I have discovered its actually called "the cha-cha slide". Also, look at all of those bloody things!) I don't know how people know all the moves. Where do they learn. Even the friggin' "YMCA" is more than just the stupid letters (also, how a song that appears to be anonymous homosexual liaisons at a gym became popular for weddings, parties and the most annoying mid-inning groundskeeping in baseball, I will literally never know). My point is: these group dances are intimidating because it's more than just a dance, it's the same exact dance that everyone is doing. Not only do you have to a) dance, b) dance with lots people able to see you, you also c) have to do it just like everyone else or you stand out and look like a real maroon*.
 |
| Old movies have merit, people. |
So every now and again a song comes along and suggests there is a new dance craze that will be sweeping the nation. Often it implores you to join in (you'll hear an awful lot of "Do the..." lyrics). The songs often suggest what the moves are, but no where near as explicitly as necessary for someone to be able to just go along (what the heck does "take a walk" mean "Cha-Cha Slide"???) These are the stuff of nightmares as far as I'm concerned. I fear a day when I go to a wedding and every dance is a group dance and I'll start standing out by not joining in (realistically, this is happening already. If you ever need someone at wedding to keep your cousin with a broken leg or your great grandma company... don't ask me. I'll be complaining about the DJ, probably. They always want to be the star of the reception). This article is going to review just a few of these. This seriously was just the intro. I'm not just curmudgeonly, but I’m also wordy.
"The Locomotion"
In 1987, Kylie Minogue asked that we all "do the locomotion." Now I grew up with a lot oldies playing around me, so I was aware, even in '87, of Little Eva's original. But it wasn't until Minogue's version got regular airplay that it occurred to me that there was something you were supposed to do. The dance, as described in the lyrics, involves swinging your hips, jumping back, making a chain, and doing a chugga-chugga motion. Apparently that's as easy as your A-B-Cs. I beg to differ, song lyrics. My main question is do they actually do the Locomotion in the video? It’s not clear to me. If the dancing in the video broke out at a wedding, I’d be lost, no doubt.
“Do the Urkel”
Picture yourself as a teen at a teen party on a rooftop in teen Chicago in the early 90s (the nineTEEN nineties! Heyo!) Now imagine the least popular kid at your school, who dresses like someone’s grandpa, is obsessed with polka music, and has the most destructive behavior (I am pretty sure you are aware of whether or not you actually did you do that, Steve), shows up and then commands all to do his eponymous dance. Now weep in terror as I show you this world via the wonders of the nostalgia-obsessed interlines.
If your brain didn't implode from that or you're wise enough to not actually watch, the lyrical instructions are actually very clear on how to actually do the Urkel, as they basic ask you to do a Steve Urkel impression. The only part missing is the part where you might want to jump out a window to escape the encroaching darkness within your immortal soul.
Incidentally, this episode is a neat (as in “tidy”, not as in “cool”) example of how sitcoms evolve, as Waldo (that's Waldo Geraldo Faldo as we learn in later seasons) is just a henchmen for Willie Fuffner, the school bully, simply the Bob the Goon to Willie's Joker or the Otis to Willie's Mr. Loo-thor (for eff's sake, Ned Beatty). He had no sign of becoming the profoundly stupid character he was in later seasons. That's “profoundly stupid” as in both intelligence as well of narrative quality and utility.
“Do the Bartman”
Back in 1990, Bartmania was sweeping the nation. I know, I was there. In September of 1990, the world received from upon high The Simpsons Sing the Blues. I had this tape, and I played holy bajeezum out of it. The album itself is bizarre in concept, as it includes the Simpsons performing songs in blues, hip hop, as well as a cover of Billie Holiday's "God Bless the Child" and the absolutely inspired Peter Gabriel synth-funk track sung by Mr. Burns and Smithers called "Look at All Those Idiots". But the song "Do the Bartman" was lead single and had an awesome video (which aired in December 1990 with the episode "Bart the Daredevil")
"Do the Bartman" gives you few clues as to how to actually do the dance; mainly you’re told to move your body side to side in a “rock like motion”. All of Springfield starts dancing what I assume is the Bartman later in the video, and it is more than moving side to side (the guys at 2:55 in that video are demonstrating it.) I like to imagine it's not dissimilar to "the funky grandpa."
Also, that video--- holy off-model, amirite? It would be a couple years before the Simpsons would eliminate the animation houses that did off-model work entirely, but since they've been on the air for a few dozen years, it's easy to forget that crappy animation used to be routine. Also, from an artistic stand point, this had to be the most ambitious directing the show tried. This was produced while the show was in season two, when the show was getting its sealegs in story and art. It was years before they really went for like six celebrity cameos and instant dating via massive referential jokes*.
* Matthew Zoller Seitz at Salon wrote an interesting article in 2011 about what he called “footnote humor” where he posited that shows like The Simpsons and Community are limiting their lifespans by relying so heavily on references (Like Toby said on West Wing, “when you use pop-culture references, your speech has a shelf-life of 12 minutes.” Oh crap, I made a reference.) Seitz points to a few specific Simpsons jokes as exmaples, but I have my own: I was 12 when this joke was used in season six’s “Fear of Flying”. I remember seeing the Cheers cameos advertised on FOX and I was excited. A modern 12 year old would be lost. I actually have an argument about referential comedy that more or less agrees with Seitz, but I think he’s slightly off on the specifics. Maybe I’ll write it about here and more than six people will read it. LOL, I’m hilarious. No one will read it.
As a side note, the song was co-written by Michael Jackson (boy does it sound like late 80s/early 90s Michael Jackson.) The Simpsons team actually had to keep that fact quiet because Jackson was a Columbia artist and the Simpsons were Geffen artists (just like Guns n Roses).
“Do the Sprain”
In the pilot episode of Saved by the Bell, “Dancing to the Max,” there’s a big dance contest at the Max (talk about dated pop-culture references… “to the max” no longer is a phrase. An innocent bystander might think that the title is a typo) hosted by Casey Kasem. Lisa sprains an ankle, is forced to dance with Screech with some nonsense dance where she’s hobbled. Naturally they win and then Casey Kasem commands all to “Do the [pregnant pause] sprain!” If I’m being entirely honest, AND I ALWAYS AM, this doesn’t actually fit with the theme of this. It does, however, give me a chance to embed the following clip for all to enjoy. Call it my apology for the Urkel video.
You may bask in its glory forever.
“Do the Mario”
This is potentially a dance I can do as well as the originator. Though we can’t entirely rule out that Captian Lou Albano (the, ahem, actor who portrayed Mario in the live action segments on the Super Mario Bros Super Show!) may have just been experiencing CTE from wrestling.
I must give credit to whomever wrote this piece of genius (I assume it’s Captian Lou himself. He certainly has the chops to sing the heck out of that thing.) Doing the Mario is easy, because Mario tells you what to do EXPLICITLY and Captain Lou shows you. Also, it appears that Mario is more or less power walking.
I think I would ok “Do the Mario” for my wedding playlist.
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