Garbage Pail Kids: Where Are They Now?

Like so many young children in the 80s, I eagerly hopped aboard the Garbage Pail Kid train. Where was it going? I didn’t know. Presumably someplace disgusting that involved a fair amount of word play. And despite having no memory of either playing with or trading them, I recall my stack of Kids being incredibly precious to me. Therefore, it seems a blog entry would be fair tribute for an item that I’ve convinced myself gave me a lot of joy.

While conducting extensive research for this hard-hitting post, I was surprised to learn that the Garbage Pail Kids were the brainchild of none other than Art Spiegelman (specifically the Art Spiegelman who won the Pulitzer Prize). Indeed, before skimming the Wiki page, if you had asked me who created these infamous cards the first words out of my mouth would have been, “Well certainly not Art Spiegelman.” It just goes to show that I’ll never be able to get into the mind of the world’s leading graphic/comic artist for all things Holocaust related.

Anyway, to confirm your suspicions - yes, the Garbage Pail Kids did hold international appeal as well.  And the best part of discovering that fact is learning how the name translated. In Italy, they were known as “The Snotlings.” France went with the more genteel “The Filthies.” And Germany, unforgiving as ever, referred to them as “The Totally Broken Kids.”

Some of the cache they earned aboard obviously stems from the fact that these cards captured their subjects in the prime of their youth. Indeed, we bear witness to a time when they were fresh and full of possibility. I thought it might be a good idea to check in with a few of them and investigate the direction in which their lives went.

Once child executioners lost their novelty (death can only withstand so much precociousness), Max was forced to lay down his axe. A brief stint working as a Walmart greeter ended abruptly after an especially effusive “hello” escalated into a citizen’s arrest. He toiled for several years on oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico before becoming a top salesman for Cutco Knives.

For the past 20 years, Randy has resided in the Alpha Sigma Phi frat house on the campus of Quinnipiac University. School administrators say they have no record of a Handy Randy ever enrolling.

Known for maintaining staunch conservative values, it should come as no surprise that Woody happily landed a position as a human resources coordinator for Focus on the Family. Though he received a great 401k package, the job still left Woody unfilled. Hoping to fill a void, he bombed an abortion clinic. Woody is currently serving a 15-year sentence at El Dorado Correctional Facility in Kansas.

Doug is now a reference librarian at Quinnipiac University’s law school. He claims to have never crossed paths with Handy Randy.

Brian is dead. Clearly. But from asbestos poisoning.

These stories were all confirmed by Art Spiegelman…*


*…is not a statement you would hear from a fact checker